I have been having so. many. thoughts. about this for awhile now (triggered I think in part by one of those birthdays) that it could probably be five separate posts. maybe more! especially in the light of the fact that I can be so verbose and rambling about pretty. much. everything. I’m actually great at editing and making things very concise; I find it a fun challenge. however, I don’t really like to edit myself too much here because this is my sounding board, my outlet, my place to think out loud, as it were. I’m not trying to tailor this to a certain audience or be anything other than me. that is, after all, what this post is about…
I feel like I haven’t really been me for a very long time. maybe not ever. no, I take that back, I have seen at least glimpses of me when I have lived in other places. I don’t know what it is about being in the place where you grew up, with people who have “known” you your whole life, that makes you into an edited version of yourself. is it just me?
I have been trying to figure out why that is. in the approximate 2.5 seconds per day that my brain actually has complete thoughts. ha. ha.
side note: I now fully understand why moms tend to come across as crotchity old fuddyduddies in relation to noise and chaos and loud music and such (I distinctly remember my mom always wanting things turned down when we were young and being a little annoyed that she couldn’t just join in our happiness, lol. HI MOM! who I know finds our posts on LinkedIn and yes, they are linked to this page, Mom, you do not read the whole thing over there =) anyway, the reason we aren’t always as joyful about the noise is because there is already SO MUCH STUFF going on in our brains!!! I mean, seriously. the thoughts trip over themselves like a small riot on Black Friday. on top of the thoughts that we’d really like time to sit down and hash out, about life and relationships and dreams, there are ALL the other thoughts that we are FORCED to think about obnoxious to do lists. I believe the thoughts of the entrepreneurially minded are just that much more insane because you are subjected to a never-ending flow of ideas that you are forced to put on the back burner while you tackle obligations.
anyway, I just don’t really feel free to be the unedited version of me, knowing that people I grew up with might read it, but I’m also not going to hide our blog from them. I don’t want to offend people, and I feel uncomfortable baring my inner thoughts and self to old friends and all ages of family in a public way, but I do not have any problem sharing with people I do not know and new acquaintances.
perhaps what makes it a little more awkward is that I currently see these people on a regular basis and blog posts could become a neon colored elephant in the room or perhaps spark amused or quizzical comments and questions that I don’t necessarily want to address in that context. I don’t know, just keeping your thoughts to yourself might almost be worse, now that I think about it. my real life friends tend to be the sort to stalk blogs and not really participate in the conversation. yes, you all know who you are! =)
I am not so sure about acceptance and letting me be me with no self-righteous or not-on-the-same-wavelength judgments. she said what?! or maybe it’s something about feelings of annoyance or jealousy that someone is actually going for something and meanwhile feeling stuck yourself. I know I’ve been there. a good part of my life. or bad part, if we are being literal, ha.
what on earth am I talking about, not editing myself, you might be scratching your head asking yourself since you are not inside my brain? well, for example, I really don’t think we talk about sex enough. and why does it seem like when we do it is always in the context of snide comments and bitter cliches. that’s not right, people. it pains me that many of the young married people I know seem to have already bought into the jaded mindset that sex is a duty and a chore they are stuck with. cuz wow, that is so not what it should be.
I want to be real about that and many other things. I’ve thought about maybe just making some sort of disclaimer for posts like that, Warning: if you know me in real life you will probably be better off not reading this potentially uncomfortable post. but then it’s probably almost worse, like pointing out a train wreck and then telling someone not to rubberneck. sigh.
but honestly, I think I’m just going to go for it. I’m going to do my best not to over think too much or second guess myself. you’re you for a reason, you’re not supposed to be someone else. and I guess the people that stick with you on the journey are the people you want with you, anyway. unless they’re just there to throw rotten tomatoes or something, in which case I feel sorta sorry for them that they have so many rotten tomatoes.
I certainly don’t want to become some sort of extremist and go about it with any sort of subconscious mindset that I have anything to prove, as I’ve seem many young people get lost there and it can get a little ugly. but I am tired of being mostly a wistful observer of the carefree people who fascinate and intrigue me, those with whom I most identify, and feeling the insecurity that makes me hold back and wait for some sort of tangible validation. I think 30 years of that is long enough. I am jealous and in awe of those of you who got here in less than half of my lifetime. but that is a post for another day…
you only live once and it’s waaaaaaaay too short to have been a tepid version of yourself.
in other news, I’ve been enjoying this fun $4 find from forever21. I have to break from the blogging norm of keeping readers’ interest with pictures sprinkled throughout posts because I am the sort of person who eats one piece of popcorn at a time and who saves my favorite thing to eat last. this is to say if you’re the sort of person who looks at blogs for the pictures, more power to you, but I hope you don’t get a stomach ache or miss out on too much nutrition. haha, it’s late, and that’s a bit of a convoluted explanation. but no, I’m not actually the slightest bit hungry.
lovely low light images, I know. but hey, it is what it is, kids.
(pretty sure that is gonna be my new catchphrase.)
also, I had the random, harebrained idea to create a fun little fishnet/colored tights combo the other day, which I figured was surely old news, but I hadn’t ever seen it because I live in the midwest and don’t get out much, haha. and yeah, I looked it up the next day and it’s out there, though who knows how old or new it is. whatever, it’s fun!
go have yourself a super hump day!