the lies that homeschooling taught me

you may have heard me mention it before, or you may have no idea, but I was homeschooled, K-12.

I had a great childhood. semi-sheltered, but really only in the good ways.

I’m sure one of the things my parents hoped to shelter my brothers and I from by homeschooling us was the cruelty of other kids.

thankfully, it really mostly did.

on the other hand, at the time that I was homeschooled there weren’t all the cool programs there are now and it was much more of an odd-ball thing.

so it played a really, really big part in me feeling like the odd person out. everywhere. I. went.

the lie that was whispered in my ear was that homeschooling made me less of a person.

the lie said that I didn’t really know anything, that I was backwards and uncool.

the lie said that people who wanted to be friends with me were doing me a favor.

the lie said that I wasn’t good enough.

somewhere along the line, probably quite early on, I allowed myself to believe these lies.

the lies were apparently so deep in my heart that I distinctly remember being at some basketball game and someone tossing me a set of car keys and me not even going for them because I didn’t want to miss and draw attention to the fact that I was the little homeschooler who didn’t play sports. (because you had better believe I didn’t and all of my friends did) so I just waited until the keys dropped and picked them up.

the lies succeeded in keeping me from trying in many areas of my life because I didn’t think who I was and what I had been given was good enough.

the lies eventually managed to cause me to become more introverted because of the number of times I put myself out there in friendships, only later to realize that I was willing to do way more for that person than they were willing to do for me.

I knew I never wanted to get bitter, and at one point in my teen years I very stupidly prayed a lot for empathy. (I’ve asked God many times since why he has to KEEP answering that prayer, even now.) and I think that as a result, God has really showed me what it’s like to be in the other person’s shoes. this has really enabled me to almost always – to a fault, Mr. D would say now – give the other person the benefit of the doubt, which I am very thankful for, but I think often causes me to skip the grieving process when my heart gets broken.

somehow I met this amazing man, so insanely hott (which I honestly didn’t even notice at first?!), and such a Casanova! and I was on cloud 9 that he would actually be interested in me, even though I knew he was a player. and to all the ladies that I won out over, haha! in yo face! LOL.

but as we ended up married and I got to know Mr. D, it turned out that he was not at all confident himself. which truthfully, kind of pissed me off. my trophy husband turned out to be gold covered plastic. I mean, it was well-formed plastic, easy on the eyes, but still…

(he really has had a lot of “looks” in his life, huh? this is only scratching the surface :))

so then here we were, this defective, hot couple. (hahahahahaaa <— is to let you know I’m joking)

and what in the world are two screwed up people supposed to accomplish together?! and of course, God, having a sense of humor, had to go and surprise us with two small versions of ourselves.

somehow they both got Mr. D’s eyelashes, +1, but also his feet -2. but I think they might have his legs, which is definitely +5.

in any case, the point is, we got tossed into adulthood with a bunch of lies ingrained in our hearts.

“who are we to ever do anything special?” “we can never measure up”

it began to feel like maybe if we just focused on being better and doing amazing things we could eventually BE good enough. that if we could shove the lies down long enough to accomplish something great, they would eventually cease to be true.

but no one else seemed to notice anything that we did. so we just kept working harder and struggling to do everything in our power to excel to where eventually people would have to notice us so that they could validate who God had made us.

I thought that because we believed that God had put awesome things inside of us and that he had a unique purpose that only we could fulfill, we were doing our part to combat those lies.

but finally today it hit me.

the reason other people’s validation has been important to me all these years is because I was unconsciously asking them to make me believe that those things weren’t true.

because somehow, those lies were still wedged deep in my heart.

somehow I didn’t believe that who God made me was enough.

but today I am standing up to ask God for forgiveness for believing those lies,
all this time.

I doubt I’ll ever NOT want people’s accolades, and I doubt I won’t still have moments of struggle, but I’m acknowledging my part, and I’m giving it to God to carry.

and you know something? I’ve discovered in my adult life that I am actually a pretty amazing catcher of keys. I guess we’ll never know if I could have been a pro athlete…

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  • tears… =( you have no idea what and why i have been through what i have been through. very similar emotions but for different reasons.. i was really feeling it heavy today and yesterday..
    thus the sudafed and benadryl… i just wanted to sleep..and NOT think…
    it shouldnt be that way…

    • I know God is a healer of hearts… I know he wants us healthy and victorious! we’re in this together, chica!

  • Hannah

    What a great post, Christina! I struggled with many of the same experiences.

    • I thought of you when I was writing this actually and wondered, but I thought nah, probably not, lol. well we certainly both scored in the hot men department 😉

      • Hannah

        Yes, we did! Although, just like you, I made the discovery that no one – even super hot seemingly perfect men – are actually as perfect and self-assured as they seem. But that’s ok, I like him even better this way. 🙂

        • isn’t it funny how that works 🙂

  • You’re one step ahead of me – I’m still an awful key-catcher. 🙂

  • Hi Chistina,

    I know i am not always as present as I should be onlog scene, but I am glad I got to read you, awesome awesome post. You have great courage to open up like that in front of teh world.
    Wish you succeed in all you set your mind up to.

    • thanks so much, Nina! I’m glad you stopped by 🙂

  • Jodi Gehman

    Hey Christina,
    Nicely written! I’m finally realizing the lies that each and every one of us believe. Now I’m starting to see the struggle in my kids life, and I really don’t know how to get it through to them that we are all pretty messed up.:) I guess I’ll pray and let God speak.:) Again, well put, your blog is easy to read:)

    • I meant/mean to do another post talking about this, too. I agree, it feels so overwhelming sometimes as a parent!

  • This is so great and I bet very encouraging to other homeschoolers out there. YOU and your family are beautiful. And I think homeschooling looks good on you. It has given you the courage now that is so clearly evident in your passions and pursuits right now. AND o my goona are your babies ever adorable!

    • Oh and I almost forgot the pic of YOU as a lil girl at the top, SO frameable. I sure hope that’s in a frame somewhere. Really, so cute with your read bandana 🙂

  • Thank you for posting this. I differ in my understanding of faith, but I do agree wholeheartedly with the message you’re putting forth. I know there are so many untruths that I’ve learned in my 28 years on earth that I’m trying to unlearn… Especially in the realm of “Am I good enough?”

    • I definitely agree, Nikkiana, we’ve found that there are many lies that are common to man (people) and all of them hold us back from being who we really should be. some of us recognize that earlier than others! I think we can help each other in our journeys…

  • We have SO much to discuss when you guys visit! I foresee LATE night convos for sure!! I had moments just like that and i went to public school! Growing up is SO hard sometimes isn’t it. AND we want to protect our kids from all these things, never wanting them to feel how we felt. I am DEF interested in hearing more about your homeschool experience and also if you plan to homeschool your little ones. We’ve pretty much decided that’s probably the route we will go BUT not having homeschool backgrounds ourselves i am at a complete loss about the best way to go about it. OH I wish we were neighbors!!!

    • I so adore late night convos 🙂 we do definitely plan to homeschool, by the way. lots of thoughts on that! I wish we were neighbors, too!!!

  • Krista

    wow.. that’s… deep! I’m not sure what type of intern you thought you got but I’m pretty defective too. (I’m sure you hadn’t realized that until now. 😉 I can so relate to seeking validation from other people instead of God and not trying something because I didn’t think I would be good enough. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why I hadn’t explored my artsy side until just recently. Maybe the thing I wanted the most/thought was the coolest scared me the most because I was afraid I would fail. So I just never even gave it a shot. But it was more than in just that area too. And I don’t even really know how those lies got there! I don’t think it was because of home schooling for me though, because, like you said, it’s cool now! 😀 p.s. great post! 🙂

    • WHAT?!?! now that I know you’re defective…………… I agree, I do think the things that matter most to us are the scariest, but also the most life-giving!

  • I am so glad my friend sent me to your blog. What an honest and beautiful post, thanks for sharing, now following.

    Carlee

    • thank you Carlee! so glad to have you!

  • I can relate a bit. I was different on many levels including being home schooled. At one point though it went from feeling a bit inferior to feeling out right superior which I have to admit is something that I still work on a bit. (LOL) In the end as long as we know that no matter what we think of ourselves God has the proper view of us, it really does help to keep it all in perspective. 🙂

    • funny you mention that, it certainly is interesting how the pendulum can swing, I know what you mean!

    • your site looks sweet, by the way, Xena 🙂

  • Thanks Tina 🙂 I need to get to moving and write more, my goal is to have info on my past 2 years of travel up by end of summer. Wishing you, hubby and little ones all the best on your adventures!

  • Linda

    Excellent post! I am so sorry I didn’t know these things (at least to this depth) earlier on. But perhaps the lies were passed down from me, your mother, rather than from the homeschool setting. I always felt as I was growing up that people were being nice to me because they felt sorry for me–not because of the person I was. So I tried really hard to be “worthy”. I am VERY thankful you are learning TRUTH at an earlier age than I did. God is AMAZING at healing and transforming!!!

    • I know it wasn’t really about homeschooling, that was just the avenue through which satan got me to believe the universal lies he tries to get everyone to believe, but yes, I am very thankful for working past that – a continued process 🙂

  • Stephanie

    Wow, as I was reading that, I felt like you had read my mind, and written it on my behalf. it’s so amazing to me how lies like that, even get started and dig their way down so deep into our souls that it’s hard to feel that anything else is reality. Thanks for being so transparent Christina. So crazy to read that because i’ve never thought of you as anything but a strong, confident, inspiring person. Wow, we are good pretenders aren’t we:-). I certainly know I am. I identify with working to get noticed…exhausting. I’m so glad you write so openly. I struggle to be an open book, but that encourages me to do it more often. And yes, like you, I was never good with keys. One time I was tossing my keys up and down outside of a bowling alley and threw them a little too far…how embarrassing to have to go inside and ask the manager to get them off the rough. 🙂

    • I’m sorry Stephanie, I thought I had replied to this comment. Must have been in the middle of a crazy road trip 🙂 I wouldn’t say that I have ever pretended anything – I’m horrible at acting anything other than I’m feeling, but we all just perceive each other with so much more grace than we give ourselves…

      and that is TOOO funny about tossing keys on the roof!!!!!!!!!!! 😀

  • Stephanie

    oh brother, I meant roof:-) It’s been a long day!

  • Kelli

    Wow… I have been sitting on a post that is so similar to this, having fear to even post it bc I don’t want to be vulnerable. Its amazing the lies Satan whispers into our ears, and we listen! My biggest prayer for my little girls is that they do not struggle the way I have. I always thought I would grow out of it but even at 27, married to the hottest guy I know, I feel these insecurities.

    • I always thought it was something you grow out of, too, Kelli, but now I have realized that it’s up to us to choose to believe what God says and be happy in who he has made us or we will end up old insecure grandmothers 🙂 it certainly does help to know that pretty much everyone has this problem or has had to work through it at least. I do think that as we find freedom, we will do a lot to pass it down to our daughters. the biggest things I’ve learned from my mom have been merely by observing. I’m so thankful that Jesus is bigger than all of our crap!