you may have heard me mention it before, or you may have no idea, but I was homeschooled, K-12.
I had a great childhood. semi-sheltered, but really only in the good ways.
I’m sure one of the things my parents hoped to shelter my brothers and I from by homeschooling us was the cruelty of other kids.
thankfully, it really mostly did.
on the other hand, at the time that I was homeschooled there weren’t all the cool programs there are now and it was much more of an odd-ball thing.
so it played a really, really big part in me feeling like the odd person out. everywhere. I. went.
the lie that was whispered in my ear was that homeschooling made me less of a person.
the lie said that I didn’t really know anything, that I was backwards and uncool.
the lie said that people who wanted to be friends with me were doing me a favor.
the lie said that I wasn’t good enough.
somewhere along the line, probably quite early on, I allowed myself to believe these lies.
the lies were apparently so deep in my heart that I distinctly remember being at some basketball game and someone tossing me a set of car keys and me not even going for them because I didn’t want to miss and draw attention to the fact that I was the little homeschooler who didn’t play sports. (because you had better believe I didn’t and all of my friends did) so I just waited until the keys dropped and picked them up.
the lies succeeded in keeping me from trying in many areas of my life because I didn’t think who I was and what I had been given was good enough.
the lies eventually managed to cause me to become more introverted because of the number of times I put myself out there in friendships, only later to realize that I was willing to do way more for that person than they were willing to do for me.
I knew I never wanted to get bitter, and at one point in my teen years I very stupidly prayed a lot for empathy. (I’ve asked God many times since why he has to KEEP answering that prayer, even now.) and I think that as a result, God has really showed me what it’s like to be in the other person’s shoes. this has really enabled me to almost always – to a fault, Mr. D would say now – give the other person the benefit of the doubt, which I am very thankful for, but I think often causes me to skip the grieving process when my heart gets broken.
somehow I met this amazing man, so insanely hott (which I honestly didn’t even notice at first?!), and such a Casanova! and I was on cloud 9 that he would actually be interested in me, even though I knew he was a player. and to all the ladies that I won out over, haha! in yo face! LOL.
but as we ended up married and I got to know Mr. D, it turned out that he was not at all confident himself. which truthfully, kind of pissed me off. my trophy husband turned out to be gold covered plastic. I mean, it was well-formed plastic, easy on the eyes, but still…
(he really has had a lot of “looks” in his life, huh? this is only scratching the surface :))
so then here we were, this defective, hot couple. (hahahahahaaa <— is to let you know I’m joking)
and what in the world are two screwed up people supposed to accomplish together?! and of course, God, having a sense of humor, had to go and surprise us with two small versions of ourselves.
somehow they both got Mr. D’s eyelashes, +1, but also his feet -2. but I think they might have his legs, which is definitely +5.
in any case, the point is, we got tossed into adulthood with a bunch of lies ingrained in our hearts.
“who are we to ever do anything special?” “we can never measure up”
it began to feel like maybe if we just focused on being better and doing amazing things we could eventually BE good enough. that if we could shove the lies down long enough to accomplish something great, they would eventually cease to be true.
but no one else seemed to notice anything that we did. so we just kept working harder and struggling to do everything in our power to excel to where eventually people would have to notice us so that they could validate who God had made us.
I thought that because we believed that God had put awesome things inside of us and that he had a unique purpose that only we could fulfill, we were doing our part to combat those lies.
but finally today it hit me.
the reason other people’s validation has been important to me all these years is because I was unconsciously asking them to make me believe that those things weren’t true.
because somehow, those lies were still wedged deep in my heart.
somehow I didn’t believe that who God made me was enough.
but today I am standing up to ask God for forgiveness for believing those lies,
all this time.
I doubt I’ll ever NOT want people’s accolades, and I doubt I won’t still have moments of struggle, but I’m acknowledging my part, and I’m giving it to God to carry.
and you know something? I’ve discovered in my adult life that I am actually a pretty amazing catcher of keys. I guess we’ll never know if I could have been a pro athlete…